Thursday, January 2nd, 2003
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9:07 pm - do you remember how it used to be.
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My heart feels as though it could flutter right out of my chest and dance outside the window of a sleeping child. I have so much homework to do but I simply don't want to. My sweatshirt smells like him but not the one I'd like it to smell like. (I wonder how he smells) He hasn't been online in a few days I'm worried that he got a new screen name and didn't tell me or he just really doesn't like me. Maybe he just doesn't care. I know that he isn't blocking me, though, because i have more screen names than I'd care to admit. I'm on my screen name that's just for hiding and it alerts me when he comes online or back from being away and I yearn to hear that familiar Moo and see that box come up. (I love new IM boxes that come out of nowhere) If he does have a new screen name and he doesn't tell me I think my heart will burst and bleed (as if it doesn't do that enough).
I have a bunny that sits on my desk and when I squeeze it, it says "Ooo, some bunny loves you" and I find myself squeezing it quite often because I need a reminder occasionally.
I've eaten three boxes of sweethearts today.
I miss Abby. Not just the person Abby, because, well, I still talk to her quite often, but I miss the relationship that we had and the closeness that we shared. I've been trying to email her for so long but I just can't think of anything to say because I'm so much more together now than I was when we first started emailing and I feel like I'm losing her. (Abby, if you're reading this, I MISS YOU.)
I HAVE SO MUCH HOMEWORK TO DO I THINK I AM GOING TO SCREAM.
I'm trying to make a layout for my domain but I'm so uninspired. Meh.
My face has turned into a pimple farm.
This girl is coming to visit me tomorrow so I need to email her directions.
....
current mood:  okay
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Wednesday, January 1st, 2003
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12:05 am
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Friday, December 27th, 2002
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9:09 pm - when all you want is friends;
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wepaintedthesky: he used to steal cars and do such things
WldRmpgnSquirrel: whoa
WldRmpgnSquirrel: hott
WldRmpgnSquirrel: i want him. now.
That is the funniest thing ever.
(And, by the way, I'm wepaintedthesky. everyone should IM me. I'd like that. Or you should comment and leave your screen name so I could IM you.)
current mood:  good
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Thursday, December 26th, 2002
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12:22 pm
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Sunday, December 22nd, 2002
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1:35 pm - ...
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Friday, December 20th, 2002
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9:39 pm - oh graces;
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I'm really tired.
I'm ready for it to feel like Christmas. Any day now.
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(comment on this)
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Sunday, December 8th, 2002
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8:38 pm - are you so strong or is all the weakness in me
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wepaintedthesky: i want to talk to him
wepaintedthesky: but i feel so needy
wepaintedthesky: well, i feel like that would seem so needy
wepaintedthesky: like, "here I am, LOVE ME and give me attention and make me feel WORTHY of your love."
wepaintedthesky: or is he probably not looking that far into this whole situation?
MeyernesS: HAHA
MeyernesS: you crack me up
wepaintedthesky: i'm being completely serious
MeyernesS: that's why its FUNNY
I feel like I should have a shirt that says "Here I am. Love me and tell me you NEED me or I might just unravel."
current mood:  blah
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Sunday, December 1st, 2002
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11:02 pm - and i'm waking from a tormented sleep 'cause this old love you know it has me bound
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I'm so tired but the last thing I want to do is to turn out the light and give in to the darkness. I don't want to have to lay (lie?) in the dark and feel it all crash around my pillows. I don't want it to be real. Maybe if I stay awake it won't be real.
Maybe if I stay awake I just won't notice.
I drank tea this evening. I was looking for the blueberry vanilla tea that got me through the fall of eight grade but I couldn't find any, but then I stumbled upon an apple cinnamon tea that I remember so strongly from my babyhood. I don't know if I used to drink it or if my parents did or what, but I remember the smell. A few weeks ago I was walking through the cafeteria at school and the smell of this tea washed over me and I nearly fell over because the memory of cold winter nights in front of the fire was so strong. So strong. And tonight, to find this tea, it's so perfect that I want to CRY because tonight is the night. Tonight is the two year anniversary of Dan's and my first kiss. This afternoon, two years ago, Laura and I were outside running around with Mikey and he rolled in something gross so we had to give him a puppy bath and he shook when we were finished and we got wet and smelly so we had to change before Caitlin's party. And then once we got there we paired off because Dan was there and I deserted her to go sit in the corner with Dan and kiss him for the first time and she was so great she called me after the party and asked me about it and we giggled and laughed and I went to bed feeling so HAPPY and so LOVED because I WAS and now I don't feel like I am. But to drink the tea was so perfect and so heartbreaking at the same time because it smelled so wonderful but it tasted so horrible. It smelled like a perfect childhood and beautiful memories but it tasted like heartbreak and anger and I don't want that to be a part of me. Not now, not ever.
Goodness. Look at me ramble.
This song is too beautiful for words.
why do you come here
when you know i've got troubles enough
why do you call me
when you know i can't answer the phone
and make me lie when i don't want to
make someone else
some kind of an unknowing fool
make me stay when i should not
are you so strong or is all the weakness in me
5:30 is coming all too quickly.
current mood:  sad
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12:01 am
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Tuesday, November 26th, 2002
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10:41 pm
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Wednesday, November 6th, 2002
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7:07 pm - I know i know I know I know I know I know
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I think that's from a song by Otis Redding. Not sure though, trying to figure out.
Fiddle Playing Beautiful is on and I want to talk to him. So. Much. I'm even thinking of IMing him a message to "someone else" and being like, Whoops, wrong person. Beautiful boys drag me down to a level of stupidity that I really should be ashamed of. Too bad I'm not. Heh.
Speaking of which, I really want my boyfriend's band to play "Pour Some Sugar on Me" at my birthday party. In you know, April. And "Walk on the Ocean" too, because I can so totally see them playing those songs wonderfully.
I really hope my report card's good. Erm. Actually, I'm quite positive that it's going to be bad. Three Cs, two A+s, the rest Bs. Fuck.
My dad just got a new cell phone and he keeps using it to call the house number and it's annoying as hell. lol. He's sitting out in the driveway in his car just calling the house to make sure his phone works. It's worked for the past 12 times, chances are it'll work for the next 12 too, so let's just not bother trying. lol. What a weirdo. heh.
Friends is on and I should be doing homework or something productive but just. Nah.
=X heh.
current mood:  amused
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(comment on this)
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Monday, November 4th, 2002
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1:54 pm - suppose i said you're my saving grace
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This username is such bullshit. I am lonely. I am really really lonely. And I hate it when everyone thinks that I have no right to be lonely because I have a boyfriend. I have a boyfriend but I don't have any friends.
I'm sitting here in Creative Writing watching my pink nails go against the keys and I should be writing this play or doing Spanish for next period but I'm so tired. My mind is floating from place to place and all I want to do is curl up with a good book and listen to Counting Crows.
But the bell just rung and I need to plaster on my best smile and go to my next class.
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(comment on this)
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Sunday, November 3rd, 2002
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9:07 pm
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I woke up Wednesday morning,
Sometime Wednesday evening,
Hoping for a piece of something easy to believe.
When you live out on the border
Of everything and nothing
There's nothing but waking and dreaming.
I don't think I'm going to tell anyone about this journal. We'll see.
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neverlonely's journal
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